The Fondest Memory
by ICraveYou
Summary: As Jessamine Lovelace drew her final breaths, she thought about the man who broke her heart once more - the only man she had ever loved, no matter if his love for her was a lie. One last time she relives the fondest memory she has of Nathaniel Gray... OneShot.


**This OneShot only exists because of unbroken dreams, because she is the one who dared me to write some Jessamine/Nate! So this is what I came up with. . . If you read this, please tell me what you thought in the reviews, that would mean so much to me!**

* * *

As she laid there dying, Jessamine was happy that she was not alone. After spending weeks inside a cell in the Silent City in solitude, she had thought that she would die alone, too. Somehow she had known that she was going to do soon. She did not know how she had known it, she just did.

But that was fine. It was alright with her. Jessamine did not want to live anymore, she did not want to fight anymore. Fighting had never been one of her strengths, if she was truly honest with herself. Of course – she had _tried _fighting to be a Shadowhunter. She had fought against her destiny so hard, and yet, thinking back on it, Jessamine felt like she had acted like a stubborn child all the time.

She had _tried _to fight for the man she loved, too, but he had not fought for _her_. It still hurt so much. Thinking that it all had been just a lie. Thinking that he had never loved her. That he had never cared for her even though she had cared so much about him. She would have done anything for him.

In the end, Jessamine had even betrayed the ones she had trusted the most for him. She had betrayed these people who were now with her, all around her, fighting for their lives while she was dying. They had always tried to treat her like she was one of them. They had always tried their best to make her feel like she belonged. Like she was part of that family.

But Jessamine had fought _them_, too.

Maybe she was a fighter after all, Jessamine realized, she had just fought for the wrong things.

But was it not good, was it not the best thing that could happen to someone, to fight out of true love?

Yes. Maybe it was. But only if that person you fought for loved you back.

Nathaniel Gray had not loved her. All these long, lonely weeks she had spent in the Silent City, Jessamine had relived all their moments together in her head, over and over and over again. He had not loved her. He had never loved her. He had just fed her lies so she would spy for him.

It hurt.

The ache caused by someone you loved was even worse than the aching she felt now, the pain which would eventually conclude in her death.

_Please. Let it be over soon. Please. Maybe I do not deserve to die fast, but I do not want to be in pain any longer._

_I have been in too much pain already. And although I know that I have pained others gravely, I have never wanted to hurt anyone._

She had been blind. So blind. If she would have never trusted Nate, maybe she would not be lying here now. Maybe she would not be dying.

Jessamine thought that Will was saying something to her, but she was too far gone already to even hear him. When she slowly drifted off into a soundless sleep, she relived one single memory of hers once again.

And it was not a memory of her as a little girl, spending the day with her parents in Hyde Park, laughing while her father took her in his arms and whirled her around like she was a princess, dancing at a ball. Her mother watching them, smiling, as she prepared some sandwiches.

It was not a memory of her playing with her dolls, putting Baby Jessie to bed while Mummy and Daddy watched their little baby girl sleep, thoughtfully singing a lullaby to herself.

It was the fondest, the most beautiful memory she had of Nathaniel Gray, the boy whom she had loved. And even if he had never loved her back, even if all he had ever told her was a lie, there was this one memory of him she had not been able to shake off. That one memory she had not been able to get out of her head, even though she had tried so hard. That one time both of them had been truly happy. That one time when Jessamine had thought that their future together would be wonderful, that it would be everything Jessie had ever dreamed of.

That one time she thought that Nate might have been truly happy with her.

Maybe it was just her imagination making things up, for she was not ready to accept that Nate had only lied to her. For she would never be truly ready to accept it, even though she tried to.

But that had been her life all along, hadn't it?

Always trying.

Never succeeding.

* * *

_Jessamine had once again sneaked out of the Institute at night. Her heart was beating faster against her chest when she made her way to Hyde Park through the dark streets and alleys of London._

_She could not wait to see him again._

_Every passing hour, she was yearning for him. She was suffering so much because she had to pretend like she did not love him anymore with everyone else at the Institute. But Jessamine knew that they must not know about her true feelings – they could not know that she was still with Nate, spying for him on them._

_They would never understand._

_They would feel betrayed by her._

_Jessamine did not want to harm any of them, but they had brought this upon themselves. She did not work for Mortmain. She was just with Nate and he needed to do this, he had to assist Mortmain or else, he would kill him._

_And if he killed him, Jessamine and Nate could never have the future they were planning._

_The future Jessamine was dreaming about._

_When she arrived at the Serpentine, she saw him already standing there, waiting for her. A smile crossed her lips and she moved faster towards him._

"_Nate!"_

_When he heard her voice, he turned around, a smile forming on his lips when he saw her. He held his arms out for her and without hesitation, Jessamine started running. She flung herself at him, pressing her body tightly against his._

_Just a moment later their lips found each other. He felt his hands stroking her blond hair. His lips moved fiercely on hers, kissing her with such passion that Jessamine felt breathless. She locked her arms around his neck and pressed herself even harder against him, like she wanted to make them one person. Jessamine never wanted to be parted from him again._

_Every day, she looked forward to meeting Nate at night, to have this precious time with him._

"_I have missed you so much." she breathed against his lips when they broke away from each other, gasping. "I know, love." Nate smiled at her and kissed her on the forehead. "Believe me, I missed you, too. You cannot imagine how much I miss you every hour we spend apart. But the thought of you alone makes me hopeful. The thought that I will see you at night."_

_His words made her smile. "Oh Nate," she whispered his name, snuggling closer to him once more. She felt his arms locking around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest. For a moment they stood like that. She felt and heard his heart beating inside his chest._

_For Jessamine, it was the most wonderful sound in the whole world._

"_I wish that we never needed to part again."_

"_I wish for that, too. But soon. Soon, my love. It is only a matter of time before we will be able to be together – to be really together. When Mortmain won... when I have paid my debt to him, than I will be free to go to wherever I want. We will live somewhere, start a new life together. You will see, Jessie. Everything is going to be fine._

"_There is a bright future waiting for us." He smiled at her still, pressing his lips to the top of her head. Jessamine closed her eyes, imagining that future, envisioning it so clearly before her eyes._

_He had proposed to her two nights before._

_When he had asked her to be his wife, she had felt like the happiest girl in the world. They were to marry soon. It would have to happen soon and in secret._

_She would not have the wedding she had always dreamed of, but it did not matter to Jessamine that much. What mattered most was that she would become Nathaniel Gray's wife._

_After standing there in silence for several more moments, Nate took her hand in his. They walked over to a large oak tree. He sat down in the grass, leaning at the tree, and pulled Jessamine down to him. She leaned against his chest while he took a few strands of blond hair, playing with them._

"_When all this is over," he said, "we will be truly free. You will be free of being a Shadowhunter. I will be free of Mortmain. We will get away from here, we will start over entirely. That is my greatest wish, my love. I will not want to have to do anything with this world of Shadowhunters and Downworlders, demons and clockwork creatures. All I want is to be with you._

"_And I promise that I will make you happy."_

_Jessamine looked up to him, smiling. But he was not looking at her. He looked sad, almost worried. Like there was something on his mind he was not able to tell her. Like there was something he wanted to tell her, but he just could not..._

"_I know that you will make me happy." Jessie said. "You do not need to promise me that. I already know it."_

"_I just want you to remember. Should there ever come a time when you find yourself doubting my love for you, you shall remember that night and how I told you that I love you and that I will do anything to make you happy, anything I can."_

"_I already know that you love me, Nate, and I will never doubt that."_

_For a moment Nathaniel looked at her, a sad smile crossing his lips. He seemed to want to say something more, but he did not. He just bend down to kiss her again and again and again...  
_

* * *

"Ave Atque Vale, Jessamine Lovelace."


End file.
